Positioning My Heart

Today's Unglued Blog Update

Another one of mostly my rewording & adding some of my own to what Lysa said. I just think she hits the nail right on the head!

 

This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. ~2 Chronicles 20:15b

 

The writer of 2 Peter understood the struggle of wanting to be one way but acting another; having divine power but falling prey to evil desires; knowing & loving Jesus but sometimes feeling ineffective & unproductive in living out that reality. These verses from 2 Peter address this issue:

 

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:3-8)

Wow. God's divine power has given me everything I need for a godly life? Everything? If that's the case, why do I still come unglued?

 

Yes, God has given me everything, but this promise comes with a requirement. I have to "make every effort" to add some things to my faith. Things like goodness, knowledge, & self-control. I have to add these in. I have to make that choice. Then I can position my heart in the flow of God's power & work with it rather than against it. I may not be gentle by nature, but I can be gentle by obedience. If--& only if--I equip myself with predetermined biblical procedures that I can rely on when I start to feel the great unglued coming on.

 

I need my own set of default procedures for when selfishness, pride, impatience, anger, or bitterness rear their ugly heads. Because in the moment I feel them, I feel justified in feeling them & find them hard to battle. But God's promises - His truths & examples from Scripture - are powerful enough to redirect me to the divine nature I'm meant to have. Having a predetermined plan from Him will help me stay calmer when I start to feel unglued. More godly. More in line with Scripture.

 

Sure, I will still be vulnerable to coming unglued. I am susceptible to unpredictable emotions, hormonally influenced emotions. That being said, I still want to equip myself in every way possible to stay out of the emotional fray. I want to stay in the flow of God's power & participate in His divine nature.

 

Next Unglued Blog Update, I'll talk about My Biblical Manual...

Christmas Tradition #1

My friend has started sharing her family's Christmas traditions in her blog & suggested some of us share ours. I LOVE the idea! So I thought I would start sharing too.

 

The first thing we start doing to celebrate Christmas....DECORATING! I LOVE to decorate for Christmas!!! I have also wanted to decorate for other holidays, but haven't done that yet....maybe one day. I always loved helping Mom decorate when I was living at home. And last year, Kayla was able to start helping me. This year, Jamie helped get in on the action. For those of you who follow me on Facebook, so for the repeats, but here are pictures from our decorating this year.

 

Decorating the Tree

I LOVE my little helpers!

 

The wreath. Yes, I KNOW it's a little lopsided, but it gives it a little added character

 

The Trees

Entry Way Tree

Kitchen Tree

 

Trees decorated by Kayla & Gree

 

Decorated Tree

Decorated & all lit up at night

 

Ummmm.....I LOVE Snowmen!

 

Stockings are hung by the chimney with care

 

Other stuff around the house

Countdown to Christmas

These were Jamie's personal touch (hanging from the light & fan string)

 

Outside lights

 

And OF COURSE, the REAL reason to celebrate Christmas, the birth of Jesus

 

 

Like my friend, I would LOVE to hear about Christmas traditions in your family! Feel free to blog about them, comment on here, or comment on Facebook after I share about it there. I would LOVE to incorporate some new traditions into our house! I've already thought of a new one for next year based on my friend's blog.

Evil Desires

Today's Unglued Blog Update

Another one of mostly my rewording & adding some of my own to what Lysa said. I just think she hits the nail right on the head!

Wow....I am moving right along. This starts Chapter 7. I've kind of left the Online Bible Study format cause I needed to be a little more detailed. I know that if I want something to stick, I've got to read it & then write (type) it out. My mind needs it in more then one format. So you are getting my notes now.

This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. ~2 Chronicles 20:15b

Oh, how corrupt motives can really make me come unglued. By motives, I mean my desires -- the feelings that drive me to act, react, & live the way I live. Mostly I'm a good person with good motives, but not always. Not when I just want life to be a little more about me or about making sure I look good. That's when my motives become corrupted. Now, for those of you who know me, you know I don't have the self-esteem to be that conceited. What I'm talking about here is when I try to make it about me instead of about God & glorifying Him.

The Bible is pretty blunt in naming the real issue here: evil desires. And I do not like that term. But I know the truth: Avoiding reality never changes reality. And change is what I really want. So, I'm laying it out there: I have evil desires. Not the kind that's going to land me on 48 Hours Mystery or the First 48, but the kind that pull me away from the kind of woman I want to be. One with a calm spirit & divine nature. I want it to be evident that I know Jesus, love Jesus, & spend time with Jesus every day. So why on earth do other things bubble to the surface when my life gets stressful & my relationships get strained? Things like...
Selfishness: I want things my way.
Pride: I see things only from my vantage point.
Impatience: I rush things without proper consideration.
Anger: I let simmering frustrations erupt.
Bitterness: I swallow & let them fester.

Why do other things bubble up? Because it's easier to avoid these realities than to deal with them. It's easier to go deal with my junk drawer, clutter in my house, run to the store, eat a brownie, & look at other people's issues. A whole lot easier. I rationalize I don't have time to get all psychological & examine my selfishness, pride, impatience, anger, & bitterness. And honestly, I'm tired of knowing I have issues but having no clue how to rein them in on a given day. I need something simple. A quick reality check in the midst of the everyday messes.

So next Unglued Blog Update, I'll talk about Positioning My Heart in the Flow of God's Power.

Feelings; Nothing More Than Feelings....But I AM More

Today's Unglued Blog Update

Another one of mostly my rewording & adding some of my own to what Lysa said. I just think she hits the nail right on the head!

Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends of you, live in peace with everyone. ~Romans 12:17-18

Yes, I totally busted out into song when I typed the beginning of the title for this blog post. As you know, if you follow me, songs ALWAYS get stuck in my head & come out when I hear/think/say/read a phrase. Yep, I busted out Morris Albert's 1970s song "Feelings" (Feelings....nothning more than feelings).

And you know, as a woman whether I'm dealing with exploding or stuffing, it all comes back to the raw emotions I'm feeling in the moment. And these emotions can be tough. I must always remember that feelings should be indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where my heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate my behavior & boss me around. I am more than the sum total of my feelings & I'm perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control.

Lysa pointed this out (& I totally agree): When my emotions are in charge, I always seem to end up feeling like the person described by the prophet Jeremiah: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. He will be like a bush in the wastelands...He will dwell in the parched places of the desert" (Jeremiah 17:5-6). Yep, that's me...when I let my feelings boss me around & trust only in my flesh to handle situations, I turn into a crusty ol' burnt-up bush living in parched places.

I must remember, it is good to feel. Feelings are indicators, & it's good to honestly assess what I'm feeling & why. I need to keep a gauge on my heart so I can process, clarify, & understand my life & relationships more deeply. But God gave me more than just a heart to use in processing life. HE gave me a mind as well. A mind made for truth to reign supreme & to keep my heart in check. I must remember, "The heart is deceitful above all things...I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind" (Jeremiah 17:9-10).

I am more....I am more than just a sum total of my feelings. I am more than an exploder who shames....or an exploder who blames. I am more than a stuffer who builds barriers...or a stuffer who collects retaliation rocks. Indeed, I am more. I am a child of God made to walk in truth with soul integrity.

And yes, while reading what Lysa said (& what I typed) about being more, I have yet again busted out into song in my head. But this is an awesome song (I have blogged & Facebook posted it before). REALLY listen to the words & take them in:

Next Unglued Blog Update, I move on to Procedure Manual...

Dealing with Unrealistic Expectations

Today's Unglued Blog Update

Another one of mostly my rewording & adding some of my own to what Lysa said. I just think she hits the nail right on the head!

Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone. ~Romans 12:17-18

Unrealistic expectations are often the seeds of bitterly stuffed emotions. I need to get honest with myself about my own expectations. Sometimes, my reality doesn't measure up to my ideal, & that leaves me feeling slighted. This is particularly true with relations. I can come unglued & stuff hurtful thoughts all day long around the issue of relationship expectations. My retaliation rocks are usually coated with unmet expectations.

So, what can I do about them? Lysa suggest I list the expectations I have of a relationship in which I'm feeling slighted. Then, prayerfully discern whether or not my expectations are realistic or unrealistic. And if I can't really discern one way or the other, I need to ask....God, that person, &/or someone wise who knows both of us well.

Unrealistic expectations are things the other person isn't able or willing to do for me. I have to let go of these. Certainly God can either change that person OR change me by rearranging my desires. In the meantime, it's unfair of me to use my expectations as the standard for their behavior or hold it against them when they don't live up to my hopes.

Realistic expectations are things I reasonably expect the other person to do for me. My next step needs to be to discern how I can communicate these expectations with gentleness & in the right timing.....timing is key. One way to discern the timing of such conversations is prayer. I need to pray for God to make the timing clear....& He will!

Why not take my expectations & my need for discernment about them to God in prayer? Why not ask Him to get involved? This is just another tool to help keep me from stuffing & forming rocks of retaliation. God may not always work so quickly in answering our timing, but it's comforting to know He will answer.

It is possible to let conflicts, confrontations, & well-timed conversations lead my relationships to better places. Improved places. Places where I learn to process instead of stuff & leave the rocks collecting behind.

My prayer: list my expectations, decide if they are unrealistic or realistic, get help with this decision when needed, let go or pray about my unrealistic expectations, & pray for well-timed conversations about the realistic expectations.

Stayed tuned for my next Unglued blog update about.....Feelings

The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks

Today's Unglued Blog Update

Another one of mostly my rewording & adding some of my own to what Lysa said. I just think she hits the nail right on the head!

 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ~Romans 12:17-18

 

 

The stuffer who collects retaliation rocks....that means my outside is quiet, but my inside is anything but. Beneath the surface, I am an emotional stone factory, churning out rocks--rocks I'll collect & collect & collect & collect. Until one day, wham! Something happens & all that stuffing erupts, & I throw all of those rocks at the person I've been stuffing hurt from. I stuff as a false way to keep the peace. True peacekeeping isn't about stopping the emotion. Remember, emotions move--inward or outward--whether we want them to or not. True peacekeeping is about properly processing the emotions before they get stuffed & rot into something horribly toxic.

 

So how do I process these emotions before stuffing them? Lysa reminds me: perspective helps. I should ask myself, If I knew this person wasn't coming home tonight, would I still let this bother me? That's a quick question to ask to keep the little things from turning into bigger ones. Or, Will I still remember what I'm so mad about a month from now? If the answer is no, I should probably process the situation & let it go.

 

But what about those bigger things (lingering hurts, ongoing issues, situations that keep repeating themselves) that I can't seem to let go of as easily? I need a strategy to process these as well. Lysa promises future discussion of how to develop a personal plan for handling conflicts. But for now, I should ask myself one crucial question:

Am I trying to prove that I am right or to improve the relationship?

 

When I try to prove I'm right, I use the stuffed emotion to justify my rock manufacturing activity. Hurt upon hurt builds rock upon rock as I amass lots of proof that I am right & the other person is wrong. Then, when my stuffing eventually leads to an explosion, I am armed with a rock pile of past hurts & offenses & ready to make my case. Prove my case. Win my case, at all costs. I react from a place of hurt & anger & say things I later regret.

 

On the other hand, when my desire is to improve the relationship, I seek to understand where the other person is coming from & care enough about the relationship to fight for it rather than against it. Instead of reacting out of anger, I pause & let the Holy Spirit redirect my first impulses.

 

Then I tackle the issues, not the person.

 

When I tackle an issues, I need to ask more questions (seems like a lot of questions, but it's a process, not a quick fix). And sometimes the process is internal, there are also times when external processing with the other person is good & necessary. External processing is a great diffuser because it will force me to channel all that pent-up frustration in a proactive way & thus handle the situation rather than harm the relationship.

 

Lysa has given me some questions that have helped her redirect her focus from proving that she's right to improving the relationship:

• Will you help me understand why you feel this way?
• Can we both agree to stick to the issue at hand & not pull in past issues?
• What is a good desired outcome in this situation?
• How can we meet in the middle on this issue?
• What is something good that can come out of this issue--something that will improve our relationship moving forward?

Of course, these questions must be asked with the right tone & an honest desire to better understand the other person (apparently asking these with a snarky attitude will seriously impede any progress). But processing in this way provides for growth opportunities....which is kind of what we want every relationship to have. Working on healthy strategies is worth the imperfect progress. Because I am the one who will benefit from healthy processing. My relationships will improve & my outlooks will be more positive. I'll start to see biblical truths come alive in my life & this will strengthen my relationship with God. And I'll learn to identify rough edges within myself that need attention...such as unrealistic expectations (more on this in my next Unglued blog update).

The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers

Today's Unglued Blog Update

Another one of mostly my rewording & adding some of my own to what Lysa said. I just think she hits the nail right on the head!

So, the stuffer who builds barriers is one who keeps the peace by avoiding confrontation & pretending that everything is fine. Well, this hurts....it hurts me, the other person, & the relationship. What seems like peace on the outside is actually the muffled roar of a barrier-building activity on the inside. Barriers shut down communication. When I determine that other people are safe, I label them (demanding, irresponsible, volatile, selfish, defensive, etc.). No matter what they do or don't do, this barrier label is the filter through which I process everything about them. Eventually, this relationship will shrivel up & die because it's been deprived of open communication, the life-giving oxygen that fuels good relationships.

What I need is boundaries, not barriers. Boundaries are simply clearly stated parameters that provide a safe structure for communication & the health of a relationship. The difference between boundaries & barriers is honest transparency. When I erect a barrier with a person, it's either because I'm afraid to be honest, tired o being honest & getting hurt, or feel like the relationship isn't worth the hard work honesty sometimes takes.

When I establish boundaries, I am brave enough to be honest but also compassionate enough to wrap the boundary in grace by clearly communicating the parameters of the relationship. Barriers set relationships on a regressive course that leads to isolation. Boundaries set relationships on a progressive course that leads to connection. The destructive isolation that happens with stuffers who build barriers doesn't limit itself to just one relationship in that person's life. It becomes an entrenched pattern that impacts many relationships, which is why it's so crucial to break the pattern. "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment" (Proverbs 18:1).

The most important thing I must do to communicate with graceful honesty & transparency is to identify what I really want. Then I have to determine how realistic or unrealistic that want is. If it's unrealistic, I may have to process it with the other person until we can agree on a solution that is realistic. I need to sit with Jesus & ask for a better perspective. My feelings should be indicators, not dictators. Prayerfully sitting with Jesus & naming what I really want will help me cut through the emotion & focus on a good solution. There's something to this process of thinking past the emotion & identifying what I really want. At least if I know what I'm after, I can be equipped to express my concerns with honesty, transparency, & grace.

All things are possible with God, but all things are not possible with people who refuse to be led by the Holy Spirit. I don't want to stuff & allow bitterness toward them to poison me. So how do I back away & not stuff? I acknowledge that I can control only myself. Therefore, I must shift my focus from trying to fix the other person & the situation to allowing God to reveal some tender truths to me. My job isn't to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. My job is to be obedient to God in the way I act & respond to those people.

Ouch....so when I'm trying to keep the peace, I am caring only for myself & spitting on the common good. This is an eye opener for me. I've had relationships that no longer exist because we are in different seasons of life OR there are far too many miles between us. But those times when I've said, I just won't bug that person any more because I'm too demanding in a friendship....I'm spitting on the common good. I've got to pray to God to help me (please pray for me)! I have recently (within the last 3-5 years) lost at least 2-4 relationships with people I considered to be good friends. I'm apparently the impossible & toxic person in the relationship. I must pray to God for help to change me & my toxic behaviors.

I am instructed by the apostle Paul, "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:17-18). I can't control another person, but I can be careful with my actions. I can do what is right. I can only make this progress on behalf of myself. I can't compel other people into this kind of progress if they aren't willing to pursue peace with me. I can't ignore the obvious issues & hope things will somehow miraculously get better on their own. I have to get better. I have to take the necessary steps to keep my soul integrity intact. I have to pursue being the person God wants me to be regardless of how other people react.

It's never healthy to build a barrier & keep stuffing. But what about those times I stuff down only to have an eventual explosion of all I've pushed within? That's the second kind of stuffer: the one who collects retaliation rocks.....more on that in my next Unglued blog update.