Friday, December 21, 2012

The Empty Woman

Today's Unglued Blog Update
Here we go, y'all! I started Chapter 9 this morning.
Sidenote: I've already picked the next book I'm going to do this with....but I haven't found an Online Bible Study for it to give me a verse for each chapter. That kind of bums me out, but the title of the book just keeps jumping out at me so I'm doing it anyway (feel free to insert your eye roll here, but remember no one is forcing you to read this....I'm doing it for me).
As usual...I'm just mainly putting what Lysa has said in her book with some (very little--actually maybe not at all today) of my own insight/thoughts.
The memory verse (yea, I haven't gotten any of these memorized yet) for this chapter:
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. ~Galatians 6:4-5
Sometimes my unglued feelings come in a roar of stinging conversations & runaway emotions. Other times I get the great unglued when my thoughts entangle around what she has & I don't. And the she I'm talking about could be anyone -- a friend, neighbor, or picture in a magazine. I stand in front of the mirror & all I see is what's lacking. What I am not. What I don't have. What I can't do.
Then I think of her. Who she is. What she has. What she can do. And it all just splits me open like a plow cutting a line in the soil to sow seed. Scripture warns where this thinking leads: "You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to testify their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit" (Galatians 6:7-8).
I know this. And yet I still drop the seeds of comparison into the furrows of my soul--seeds that grow a plant called coveting, whose long, spiny vines of jealousy choke the joy out of me. Yes, that happens (remember from the other day--& many other times & examples in my life--I am not always good at doing what I'm commanded to do). Then I do nothing but stand in front of the mirror & give my brain permission to go there. To that place of entanglement. The place where thoughts of comparison sit & wait to be embraced.
And the more I compare, the emptier I become. So empty
And empty women tend to come unglued, easily.
Especially when the empty settles in the part of my soul where unmet desires restlessly wait. And in that dark corner, desperation churns for what could be but isn't, & what I want but still don't have.
What do I long for? A romantic, attentive mate (who doesn't). A true & trusted friend (or more of them cause I have at least one of these...thank God!). A child who makes me look like they weren't raised by a pack of wolves. A certain talent. Opportunities, things, feelings, recognition, body size, financial freedom...the list lengthens.
I long for "it" & the deep satisfaction surely found in getting "it". And when others around me get "it," I pretend I am happy for them. I make the good girl in me act happy. Maybe part of me is sincere. Maybe not. But in the quiet of the bathroom, the gnawing becomes a splitting plow. Oh, how it digs & cuts & unearths the inside of me.
Stay tuned for the next Unglued Blog Update.....about The "J" Word

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